The man who would be my date for the evening was already two drinks in, and he greeted me with an awkward hug. We walked to a table and the conversation quickly turned to our jobs. I described my work in Catholic publishing. Yet in a strange way the encounter exemplifies some key elements of the dating scene facing young adults today: And we are still working out the details of how best to make that happen. According to a Pew Research Center study, 59 percent of people ages 18 to 29 were married in Today that number is down to 20 percent. While it seems that there are more ways than ever to find a spouse—online dating and social media alongside the more traditional methods of parish events or friends of friends, among others—this array of options can also be overwhelming.
For Catholics, discussions of faith can serve as a shortcut to discovering those shared values. Kerry Cronin, associate director of the Lonergan Institute at Boston College, has spoken on the topic of dating and hook-up culture at more than 40 different colleges. She says that when it comes to dating, young adult Catholics who identify as more traditional are more frequently interested in looking for someone to share not just a religious sentiment but a religious identity.
And Catholics who consider themselves loosely affiliated with the church are more open to dating outside the faith than young adults were 30 years ago. My mother told me that her biggest worry on a date was what meal she could order so that she still looked pretty eating it.
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The major challenge posed by the dating world today—Catholic or otherwise—is that it is just so hard to define. Most young adults have abandoned the formal dating scene in favor of an approach that is, paradoxically, both more focused and more fluid than in the past. After graduating with a theology degree from Fordham University in , Stephanie Pennacchia, 24, joined the Jesuit Volunteer Corps in Los Angeles, where she worked at a drop-in center for teens experiencing homelessness.
Today she is as a social worker who assists chronically homeless adults and says she is looking for someone with whom she can discuss her work and her spirituality.
For Pennacchia, finding a partner is not a priority or even a certainty. As young adults move further from their college days, the natural social circles within which they may meet new people become less obvious. Many seek out young adult events sponsored by Catholic groups, parishes, or dioceses in an effort to broaden their circle of friends.
Kania earned her doctorate in physical therapy and works at a hospital in Wallingford, Connecticut.
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The majority of her dates in the last year have come from CatholicMatch. She is currently praying about her next steps and about possibly joining more mainstream sites like Match. No matter where she finds her partner, she would like him to be a devout, practicing Catholic.
She went for the speakers, the fellowship, and the info on theology of the body, but not necessarily to meet someone, she says. Yet for other young adults, dating events geared specifically toward Catholics—or even general Catholic events—are less-than-ideal places to find a mate. You find that there are a lot of older single men and younger single women at these events. Hale, who lives in Washington and works for the faith-based advocacy group Catholics in Alliance for the Common Good, says he is looking for a partner who challenges him.
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Their relationship is about three things: Catholics in the dating world might do well to consider another teaching of Pope Francis: Barcaro says many members of online dating sites too quickly filter out potential matches—or reach out to potential matches—based on superficial qualities. When Mike Owens met his now girlfriend of one year, he was actively avoiding a dating life. The year-old government consultant met his girlfriend at a happy hour sponsored by his parish in Washington.
The two chatted and then continued to gravitate toward one another at group events. Out of that conversation we were able to really accept each other where we were. Owens says dating someone after returning to the faith has definitely been a different experience. Michael Beard, 27, has worked to do just that during his past three years in South Bend, Indiana at the University of Notre Dame, where he recently earned his master of divinity degree.
He has seen these couples work to balance their responsibilities in higher education with those of being a good spouse and parent. Given his commitment to his studies and his temporary residence in Indiana, Beard felt the timing was not right to enter into a serious relationship. He enjoys lively discussions with people whose opinions differ from his own, but he is not interested in being in a relationship where one person tries to convince the other to change.
That shared framework can be helpful among friends as well. Lance Johnson, 32, lives in an intentional Catholic community in San Francisco with four other men, who range in age from 26 to Johnson appreciates the perspectives within his community on topics related to relationships, as well as the support for living chaste lives. He knows his mother hopes for grandkids, but he says in a young, largely secular city like San Francisco there is little pressure to get married.
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Johnson has found that many young adults yearn for more clear-cut dating roles. I wish it was more a culture of understanding that we just want to talk and get to know each other. Katy Thomas, for one, agrees. She and Johnson have been dating for several months, though they were friends before they went on their first date. Luckily, it can also be a lot of fun if you do it right!
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