Let's start off by acknowledging the obvious: Dating can be expensive. Going out to things like nice dinners, movies, and black market organ auctions ain't cheap, and traditionally in Western culture, men are expected to pay for that kind of stuff While a bunch of society has caught up to the fact that women are people too with, GASP , their own money!
But however you split it, I hope we can all agree that if you ask someone out, then show up penniless and expect the other person to pay for everything , you probably won't get a second date. Take it from personal experience, it also sucks to be asked out to an awesome concert or event when you're so broke that you're Googling local food banks, because no decent human being wants to be seen as a gold digger who's only dating to rack up entries for her foodie blog. But the harsh truth is that there are really good, non-gold-digger reasons to wonder if someone's financially stable before your hearts and bodies get entangled.
Because unless both people are just in it for a one-night stand, if one of you is perpetually jobless, then the other could end up working two full-time jobs to take care of you both. It's actually not shallow to ask yourself if it's going to be a healthy relationship in which both people contribute equally, even if you end up deciding it's OK if one of you contributes in ways that aren't financial.
3 Tips If You're Dating a Guy with Little Money
It's just smart to look at the long term before emotions get too heavy. Despite what Bon Jovi might tell you , being perpetually broke isn't actually romantic. Sure, crashing in his van to live on love with his scruffy musical friends might seem romantic at first, but there are only so many cramped gas station washroom stall hookups you two can have before you start to think that maybe dating a guy who owns his own bed wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Despite what your gut might be defensively screaming at you, I'm actually on the side of the broke person here.
I've been that broke-ass, and it sucks, trying to mask your broke-assed-ness. That said, I have a serious question: Do you have any idea how much money women spend to look that good for you? While you're complaining how unfair it is that you're expected to pay for expensive dinners -- and I totally agree with that complaint -- let's not overlook the ridiculous amount of money that women pay for hair, nails, clothes, skincare, waxing, and so much other stuff to give the illusion that they're perfect, naturally hairless beauty queens.
Don't even get me started on the cost of lingerie, one of the most expensive and least durable things a woman will ever own. I've known women in brand-new relationships who've dropped hundreds of dollars on sexy little lace things to perfectly suit their new guy's hottest fantasies, only to see it left shredded on the bedroom floor in six seconds flat. Which I'm sure is someone's fantasy.
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My point is that multiple, totally unfair standards can coexist at once. And yeah, there are obviously going to be some guys out there who blow money on new clothes, and some women who throw down their credit cards to pay for meals and dates. Bottom line is that if you blow a shitload of money you can't afford to during the wooing stage, then by the time the relationship is strong and solid enough that you're moving in together, you might also be looking at some pretty substantial debt.
You're now spending the rest of your lives together, trying to pay off your "impression stage" dating. That is a huge strain to put on any relationship. And if the relationship doesn't connect? You might as well have just thrown a match on that cash and put out the fire with your tears. But even if you don't end up digging your own financial grave, there's a very practical, common misconception that arises when things get comfortable.
When the money runs out, the one who's used to being treated is going to be thinking, "Why don't we do all the things we used to do?
How Dating A Man With An Unstable Job Situation Could Affect Your Relationship
This relationship isn't as fun, exciting and spontaneous as it used to be. It's like as soon as you got comfortable with me, you stopped giving a shit. And that's not sustainable. The mechanics of the relationship fundamentally change, because mathematically, they have to. And by then, you've sabotaged your personal financial future and the future of your relationship. So how do you avoid that?
Do you come clean right off the bat and say, "I can only afford meals that are ordered by saying a number"? Well, that's kind of the problem, because I once had a friend whom I thought lived with the word's most interesting cast of zany housemates.
"THE AUTHORITY ON ALL THINGS DATING"
Every time we went drinking, he had the best stories about how one of them found a baby skunk and tried to build it a box bed, or threw their new bright red shirt in with his whites, or invited a door-to-door Mormon missionary in for dinner because they thought he and my friend would hit it off. It was two years before he finally confessed that he actually lived at home with his parents, brothers, and grandmother. While we're adding to the list of stuff that's totally unfair, in society, we tend to judge people before we really get to know them. And when you're in any kind of "transition" phase, like being unemployed, working a temporary job until you can get a real one, or living at home, it's not always easy to answer basic questions like "What do you do?
Dating a guy with no car, job, or money..?
When the answers to those questions are "I'm an accountant for Money Business and I own a condo in the Gold Moneyville," then your date can hide a yawn behind their hand and move on to discussing what they're binging on Netflix. But if the answer is "Well, I used to have an amazing small business and owned a house with my ex. But then my business went under and the relationship ended, so right now I'm living with my folks and working at my dad's horse-tickling business until I get back on my feet," that might dredge up way more deep and personal stuff than you're willing to share over your first cup of coffee.
We can all agree that lying about basic personal stuff can come back to bite you hard in the ass if a relationship develops. Bullshitting about your life isn't the best way to start dating someone. Eventually, they'll get suspicious about why you two are always steaming up the car windows around the corner from your house instead of going inside and introducing them to your wacky "housemates".
So instead, you get good at turning every tricky conversation into a wacky "Thanks for asking- hey, what's that over there?!
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You make sure you've always got a handy story ready to explain away your unemployment when someone innocently asks if you "had a good at day at work. You become a master at quickly switching the focus of a conversation onto the other person and getting them talking about themselves. It's not that you want to lie or hide anything. It's that it's perfectly normal to want to avoid talking about the tricky or hard parts of your life until you get to know the other person better. Can we all just agree that the traditional model of dating sucks? Once you've managed to attract an elusive other by tempting them to swipe right on a carefully posed picture that looks absolutely nothing like everyday you, you get to dress up like a fake version of yourself, go to a fancy place you'll probably never eat at again, and make the kind of scripted small talk that only happens in bad comedies.
Then, no matter how kind, sweet, interesting, cool, intelligent, or determined you are, you face the risk of being rejected just because you don't have tons of disposable money to throw at this elaborate game, or because the current story of your life doesn't fit society's specific definition of "success.
It's no wonder so many of my most interesting friends have given up on "dating" altogether. If your life is in transition and you want to find somebody totally awesome who understands that, sometimes you've got to look at ways of throwing out the old playbook and writing your own.
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My girls' trip to Cancun was only a few days away. And frankly, I was on a high from finally understanding that I didn't need a relationship to make me whole. I was a newly sworn in attorney with a plush job working for a fortune company, traveling the world in my spare time. That within itself was something to be proud of. But even more than that, I was falling madly in love with myself — a lifetime goal finally coming into fruition.
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I had cause for celebration. I was realizing that I was the catch. And not just because of my accomplishments, because of my soul. Despite all of that, I was open to dating for fun. So there I sat, across from a year-old man who'd been shooting his shot for years. I suppose that could've been my cue to dismiss myself. Instead, I sat there listening to him lay out his full game plan for reaching his end goal of being a Division 1 Football Coach.
He had a clear and definitive timeline, passion in his eyes, and the willingness to make the necessary sacrifices. As he finished up his spill, I thought to myself, Any man this strategic and determined will succeed. Through late night convos about following dreams and creating legacy, I quickly fell in love with Bakari day by day.
It didn't matter that he was practically living out of his car or had no steady income coming in. I decided to give Bakari a shot because, unlike the other in-between men I'd encountered along the way, he had a game plan to match the dream. He wasn't just a talker, he was a doer, who was using his own savings to fund his ambition.
He had a deadline and a fallback plan. Three months later, he was promoted to a full-time position. I felt like we'd dreamed a dream together and made it happen. He did the long nights and grunt work while I did the cheering and motivating. We prayed about our ambitions and watched as they continued to unfold in front of us with each passing day. In just another six months, he was promoted again. And this time, he used the money from his salary to buy me a ring.