How to stay friends after dating

Insomnia was my only sleeping companion. Immediately, I abbreviated contact with Paul. No more hanging around at the end of the day to chitchat. No e-mail, no notes, no calls. Yes, it was painful, after many years of chatting up Paul whenever I thought of him or wanted to know what was going on in his life, but I also stopped dwelling. I took a hiking trip with friends. I reconnected with family.

I read more novels than I thought possible. I also journaled for the first time in years. For two weeks straight, I woke to write five blessings. I enjoyed simple pleasures and took time alone to connect with and savor what is. Most of all, I needed to exercise the same compassion and tenderness towards myself that I offer to others. A stream of questions haunted me: What if he marries this woman? I ran every irrational, worst-case scenario.

Deep breaths and mindful meditation cooled my mind enough to realize that worst-case scenarios serve no one. Disappointment cannot be ignored and yet, like any emotion, it is a passing state, undulating like waves to the shoreline. We are impermanent beings in flux, and we cannot expect either our relationships or those in our lives to remain static.

It was unrealistic of me to believe that Paul would always have time to talk on the phone or share a lunch much less that he would somehow choose to remain single without knowing, forthrightly, my feelings for him. While I could not rewind time and ask him out directly, I started to see my own irrationalities and inconsistencies as part of what had brought me to this path. My new yearnings, though seemingly powerful, were as fluctuating as those storm-tossed waves. I mourned certain things about Paul during our friendship hiatus: Those qualities which attracted me to Paul, I realized, do not solely belong to him.

They were qualities that, had you asked my friends or family, I might be said to possess and that I might say they possess, too. His humor and insights captivated me. We hiked, we shared long phone conversations, and we offered everyday observations that left us both in stitches. You have to give yourselves time apart to make the emotional adjustment from being a couple to being friends.

Do things with other people. This doesn't necessarily mean starting to date right away although it could mean going on dates in the near future. Instead it means that you hang out with friends, take those trips to visit family members that you've been meaning to take and join some new clubs or social groups.

Basically you need to fill the time that used to be spent with your partner and it helps to fill it with activites shared with other people. Learn to spend time alone again. Once you've set up some scheduled activities with friends and family, you need to also embrace the time that you now have alone. Take a new class, explore a new place.

Try not to think about the fact that you wish you were sharing this with your ex. In fact, the first thing that you'll want to do is to call your ex. Use whatever willpower you have to focus on what's good about doing things alone. Do some inner emotional work. Breakups are devastating but that doesn't mean that something good can't come out of them. Figure out what went wrong in your relationship.

• speed dating romania.
• Staying Friends When You Wanted More: 5 Steps to Move On?
• dating sites malta.
• media naranja dating.
• !

Resist the temptation to blame your ex. Instead, start doing the emotional work that you need to do to undertand what you want from a relationship and what you need to change about yourself to get that. Make a list of all of the reasons that you want to be friends with your ex. Then make a list of all of the problems that it can cause.

Start addressing those problems in your mind and seeing if it really truly does make sense to be friends. Ask yourself what you want from a friend and whether or not this person can give it to you. Make plans to contact your ex and discuss resuming your friendship. Put some things into place before you do this.

Set up a scheduled date with a friend or family member after the fact so that you don't have to be alone if it doesn't go well. It's always okay to request someone stop or tone down behaviors that bother you. Talk openly about boundaries. Find a good time and place to have a calm, sit down talk about your boundaries in regards to a friendship.

Let your ex know directly what kind of contact is still appropriate and let them share their feelings as well. Let's not talk about dating together. Setting boundaries after a breakup can hurt, even if it's for the best. Recognizing contact will be more minimal and that certain topics are off limits can sting. After setting boundaries, do something nice for yourself. Go for a walk, watch a movie, or make plans with friends. In turn, this may help you recover sooner. Let go of the hopes you have for a relationship. Remind yourself the relationship is over.

One of the major downsides of staying friends with an ex is that it can sometimes keep the hope of a relationship alive. Remember, you are exes for a reason and you need to let go of any dreams you had for the relationship. If you find yourself fantasizing about your future together, stop.

Think to yourself, "We're not together anymore, and that isn't going to happen. Think about how you can support each other as friends instead of as romantic partners. Fundamentally different world views or different lifestyles can cause a breakup. Now that you're just friends, you can appreciate these differences more. Now you're free to embrace the positives of having a friend who's different from you instead of worrying about your romantic compatibility.

More From Thought Catalog

Call it off if you're feeling bad. It's okay to take a step back sometimes. Stay aware of your feelings as you pursue a friendship. If things feel strained and you feel sad or drained when hanging out, it's okay to slow things down. Say something like, "Hey, I'm still feeling a little sad when we hang out. Let's stick to long distance communication for another week or two.

If they're struggling with the idea of staying friends, respect any requests they make for space. Manage feelings of lingering attraction. It's normal to still feel attracted to someone after a breakup, but don't try to feed into these feelings. It's hard to stay just friends if you're still having sex or being physically intimate. Some exes are able to maintain a physical relationship, or be friends with benefits, after a period of time. However, it's often a bad idea to pursue lingering attraction in the direct aftermath of a relationship.