There's at least one poll that reveals that when men and women hear a juicy secret, many men will share it with someone almost immediately after learning about it.
Women, on the other hand, keep it to themselves for at least three and a half hours before spreading the news. A bout of lip-wrestling is as intimate as it gets while everyone still has their pants on, which is why a kiss is universally recognized as the de facto show of affection between two people. Don't look at them! We've already told you that smooching acts as our body's McAfee Antivirus against herpes , but it also doubles as a complex brain chemistry duel in the game of love and procreation.
For women, it's all about oxytocin, the "bonding hormone" that is released during childbirth and helps the mother care for the shrieking lump she just squeezed out.
When a man and a woman kiss, the dame's saliva deals the dude a sudden boost in oxytocin, essentially ensnaring him with a handy dose of "got you now, bitch. But don't think guys are left without weapons in this particular duel. It's no secret men are more likely to presume that kissing should lead to sex Some theories indicate that the reason men generally prefer sloppier kisses with more tongue is an evolutionary need to transmit as much testosterone as possible, short of actually spitting in their partner's mouth.
So Dilophosaurus was still eating Nedry, just not how you thought. In baseball terms that's called "charging the mound," and it has never, ever ended well for us. Please don't try it. Guys are all about independence and partying, while even the most adventurous woman is basically just biding time until she can catch a dude, settle down, get a mom haircut, churn out a couple of kids, and spend the rest of her life actively ruining her man's fun. In , researchers surveyed 5, Americans and found a surprisingly consistent trend: Men were more into settling down than women.
Men are quicker than women to fall in love and want children across the board; 54 percent of men and only 44 percent of women report experiencing love at first sight. Single guys under 18 without children reported wanting children at a higher rate than women in the same position -- 24 percent to 15 percent, respectively.
As for the independence and freedom part of the equation, well, women rule that game too: Shit, even the classic "night out with the guys" is getting stomped by girl power, as 35 percent of the ladies and only 23 percent of the men consider regular nights out with their friends very important. It also doesn't look like this is just some bullshit trend that'll last a couple of decades before we inevitably revert back to the s mindset where a man's self worth was entirely determined by a sliding scale of scotch and rugrats.
A sociology professor at New York University says this "blurring of gender boundaries" is a product of kids born in the '70s, '80s, and '90s becoming more and more comfortable with acknowledging their desire to commit and connect. After 20 years of faithful marriage, the man suddenly leaves his wife for his young, blonde secretary "who just totally gets him.
Becoming single is always a social win for the guy who can easily move onto the next relationship. But the girl always struggles to recover, because she thought they were in love and that he was going to eventually propose marriage soon and now everything's ruined forever. Oh, the heartbreak -- better watch Bridget Jones's Diary and eat several tubs of ice cream!
Pop culture and research indicate that this stereotype should be true. Socially, women have all the motivation in the world to cling to a marriage, as unmarried women aren't treated as nicely as married ones, and divorced women are stigmatized for not being in a steady relationship. Here's what people forget: In many cases, men tend to benefit from marriage a lot more than women. Having a wife means that said wife is likely to help the man make healthier choices in life than he would if single -- you don't often see married men sucking on a frozen Hot Pocket because they're too lazy to work the microwave.
Men also tend to win out on chores -- even if the couple agreed to do housework and parenting equally, the wife is still likely to end up doing more than the husband. Yep, this holds true even when the wife works and the husband is unemployed. Perhaps this is also why women are far more likely than men to ask for divorce and initiate a breakup. Just an educated guess, Johnny McNeversweeps. Are you in the Los Angeles area with nothing to do tonight?
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And remember that in an abusive relationship, it's almost always smooth sailing in the beginning. The problem is that her abuser didn't start abusing her until they'd been together for months: For some couples, the bad shit doesn't surface until their lives have become entwined in ways that are impossible to cleanly separate. When you're living under the same roof and have kids, joint bank accounts, and the same social circles, severing a relationship is severing a part of yourself. How long would you have to have your leg caught in a bear trap before you'd finally decided it was worth it to hack the thing off, Hours -style?
You'd try almost everything else first. And if it's not a broken version of love or financial dependence that keeps you in an abusive relationship, it might be something far stranger. And this is where we're going to lose a lot of readers, because they can use this story as an excuse to dismiss everything Lindsay is saying. That must mean she liked it! Hey, I bet all women secretly like it! Look at me, I'm a piece of shit!
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Understanding how she came to think that that is what intimacy looks like is a knot that it would take a therapist to untie. In fact, many have tried. And the truth is that most of our subjects mentioned a strong attraction to their abuser, even though they knew that the attraction was destroying them emotionally and putting their lives at risk.
It would have to be a perfect storm, she would have to prove she was different. But even after the hell I went through, even after all that, I still miss her. It's so hard to get domestic abuse victims to press charges against their abuser that many jurisdictions no longer give them a choice. They'd prefer to try to "work through it," but unfortunately We all already know that Beauty And The Beast isn't the most enlightened glimpse at relationship dynamics, considering the fact that someone who locks you in the attic and regularly tries to claw you to death is indeed an abuser.
But have you ever thought about how old that story is, and how often it gets retold in different forms, even today? The myth of a victim changing -- fixing -- an abuser is powerful, because human beings really want to believe that you can somehow repair an abusive relationship. At least, that's according to therapists, who explain that victims are extremely likely to return to their abuser when given the chance. Some people believe that it's a survival technique.
In pre-civilization days, even being with an abusive partner was safer than trying to live alone because tigers. But no matter the reason, the fact remains that the human brain and all of society will do everything it can to keep you in a shitty situation. Hell, that's what Fifty Shades Of Grey is about, even if the author doesn't know it. But he couldn't accept that, because his friends and mother never had a problem with what he did.
When Sarah told a counselor that her abuser had threatened to kill himself in front of their children, the counselor cried out, "Why don't you go back? He's gonna kill himself! And like counselors, Sarah blamed herself for the abuse: When she turned him down, my immediate reaction was, 'Don't do that! You're going to drive him to drink! If we just do this, or just do that, he will be better. And the people around us reinforce that. With the possible exception of Uber drivers, no one drives anyone else to drink.
The implication behind all the outside advice Sarah got was that this problem was somehow a communication issue, and if they could just listen to each other, it would be solved. You know, kind of like how you need to let your spouse know that you don't actually like their meatloaf, and that you've always eaten it to avoid hurting their feelings "Well shit, honey, why didn't you say something before?
Even if you can get them to give up certain behaviors say, threatening to call the police if they get violent again , getting them to give up their need for control requires fundamentally changing who they are as a person. It's not that this kind of change never happens, but you sure as fuck can't count on it. But don't take our word for it.
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Experts recommend against going to couples counseling at all when the relationship is abusive. Usually, the abuser will see the counseling as one more way to get control for instance, by using the sessions to put all of the blame on the partner or as a threat to their power in which case, they'll stop going the moment the counselor recommends any meaningful change, often claiming they were the victim of bias.
At the end of the movie Waitress , the hero faces her abuser down, threatens him, tells him she wants a divorce, and that's it. She gets to move on and live her life in peace it's basically the end of Sleeping With The Enemy , except instead of Julia Roberts shooting her husband to death, Keri Russell wins a local pie-baking contest and opens a diner. And as wonderful as that sounds, no one we spoke to got to close this shitty chapter of their lives so easily.
After that call, we've talked a few times, off and on. If she called me tonight after this interview to calm her down, I'd do it again. Will's situation was more antagonistic. Within two days of my being there, she sent them a letter telling them I was mentally unstable, so they asked me to leave. Now, I always feel like everybody wants to get the jump on me.
What if they are trying to manipulate me?
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But at least he had somewhere to go. When Diane left, she ended up living in a homeless shelter. Maybe I am all the terrible things he told me I was," she said.
She left the shelter because "I felt like I didn't deserve to be there. I was out of place. There were people who were in worse places than I was that needed a bed more than I did. If you think it was a downer for us to tell you that, well, try living it sometime. Except don't, because no one deserves that. As for Sarah, she says that to this day, the abuse she suffered has changed the way she interacts with men.
I'll be around my friends in healthy marriages, and when the woman is being blunt or ribbing her husband or joking around, it really freaks me out. Because what if he gets mad? I had a friend who said 'Go get the baby, he's crying,' and I panicked. He's going to think you're telling him what to do. Today, Sarah has rebuilt her life and is raising her daughters, still having to interact with her abuser, due to the children, but now with a home of her own and good relationships. Yet she still can't forget, or go back to seeing the world the way she did before.
But knowing that there are so many women who will spend their lives in these situations -- women who don't know they should leave, women who aren't allowed to leave -- it makes me feel guilty that I was able to. Victims of domestic violence can visit TheHotline.