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It helps you meet new people. It reassures you that there's someone out there - the dating arena for the newly single something goes from being barren to full. For her, this isn't even the point. Yet she still feels upset and rejected if connections fizzle or men don't reply. And here's the rub. The opportunities seem endless. But as author and human behaviouralist Alfie Kohn points out, being on countless apps can signal a potential risk of dating addiction.
You spend part of your time trying to recover from, and make sense, of all these lovely people who won't give you the time of day, then the rest avoiding people you have no interest in. It can take over your life. So the very apps that are designed in order to help people to meet, are actually doing the opposite. The US Association of Psychological Science found that reviewing multiple candidates causes people to be more judgmental and inclined to dismiss a not-quite-perfect candidate than they would in a face-to-face meeting.
When I was single, after my long-term relationship with the father of three of my four children broke up after many years, I spent a couple of years online. Even though, three years ago, there were nowhere near as many apps as there are now, I understand how obsessive it can get. I think I almost lived for checking my dating sites, spending hours "talking" to men I ended up never actually meeting.
It certainly staved off loneliness, and felt safer in many ways than risking a date, face-to-face, for which I had to grow a pretty thick skin. The rejection is tough on both sides - the men you think sound wonderful but when you meet them they are not what they seem, or maybe you like them but they don't like you.
I eventually met my husband via Facebook we had mutual friends, but soon moved our connection into the real world. My best friend met his now wife on Tinder. So success stories do happen, but they're outnumbered by the thousands of singles having more of a relationship with their phones than with each other.
In my work as a relationship therapist and love coach, I meet clients of plus of both sexes who are obsessively dating. Some do manage to meet up, but it doesn't matter how disastrous any eventual dates are - they have told me horror stories of men talking to other women as they sit opposite them - they just can't stop searching for more.
I’m addicted to dating apps – but I don’t want a date
They all say they never meet anyone decent but, even if they do, they are convinced there might well be someone better around the corner. I gently suggest that maybe they are addicted to the whole process of dating and that perhaps they might think about stopping and pausing to think about what they really want in a relationship.
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I suggest that maybe knowing who they really are and who they really want to meet might help them. Yet often this suggestion is met with looks of horror and confusion. It makes me wonder if we have become a nation of prospectors - dating endlessly in the certainty the next one will be The One, but in reality wasting hours of our lives, with little to show for it. So where does this leave the or plus dater? When they met, the electric charge of their shared chemistry sent a palpable shock though them both.
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Almost instantly, they lost control of their facial muscles. Both were blessed with beautiful faces upon which their eyes could feast. The emotional excitement of the date ran so high that neither had much of an appetite. Their thirst for wine went unimpeded. As soon as their fingers touched, a shock of sensual energy pulsed through their bodies. Almost in unison, they summoned their waiter for the check. As Jake was paying the waiter, Melissa reminded herself that she was a good girl and would not sleep with Jake on their first date — no matter how she felt about him.
The 12 Steps To Breaking Free From Your Addiction To Dating Apps | Thought Catalog
Jake walked Melissa to her car, where he initiated a deep kiss that seemed to have no beginning or end. Melissa woke up first, looking at Jake and wondering how she got so lucky to find a man of such inner and outer strength and beauty. She could have looked at him all morning. Sensing that Melissa was staring at him, Jake woke up, startled by her deep and smothering gaze.
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All of a sudden, he felt a pang of panic. On the bed, where he lay naked, he felt exposed and vulnerable in a way that no sheet could cover. He asked himself, who was this woman who looked at him with such intense love? His chest got tight and his breathing became labored.
As Melissa wrapped her arms around him, Jake reflexively arched his back, as if she might hurt him. Melissa sensed his anxiety and asked if he was OK. Jake denied there was anything wrong, explaining he was just distracted about a personal obligation he needed to attend to. He got out of bed and started dressing, never looking in her direction. He gave her a light and almost perfunctory kiss on the mouth followed by a statement about how much he enjoyed the night they spent together.
He looked scared and awkward. This was when she knew this would be the last time she ever saw Jake. He quickly walked to the door, closing it without a backward glance. For Melissa, the disconnection was palpable, like someone had violently pulled a cord out from an electrical socket. She felt bewildered and utterly ashamed. What had she done?
Why did she have sex with him? She should have waited. She was sure that she had screwed up yet another relationship.