Tell us again about how he talked to you on the tube! The proliferation of websites and dating apps has not necessarily been a good thing. I know quite a few people who have found love through OKCupid and Tinder — marriage, in a couple of cases — but I know far more who have been on two or three dates with nice people who have drifted and disappeared after a promising start.
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The rise of Tinder as the default platform has especially increased the speed and volume of choosing and rejecting. Once we read long-form profiles. Now we maniacally, obsessively screen candidates in milliseconds. For example, you could find out if the man you went on a date with last night was looking for other women while you popped to the loo in the middle of dinner he was. I would have met none of them in my local. It means allowing yourself and your partner a kind of vulnerability that is often regarded as a sign of weakness and a source of fear.
Remember the guy who I picked from a catalogue?
In my early days of dating online I reckoned that I should give men a chance if I found their messages tedious but their profiles intriguing. But the ones that I doubted beforehand never turned out to be men I wanted to get to know in person. In practice, mutual attraction is not enough: Having this in common with my ami avec des avantages was as important for sustainability, if not more important, than any other measures of compatibility.
Last winter I signed up for some gym training. Lo and behold, there was an attractive single man of appropriate age in my class. First, he complimented me warmly on my discount Gap leggings. He knew all the cool restaurants, the best places and, as he was only in London occasionally, things moved faster than they should have.
After just a few dates, he booked us a night in a fancy Kensington hotel. I met him at a pub first — liquid courage — and knew the second I saw him that my heart wasn't in it. The connection wasn't there for me. Not a great start. But Tinder is addictive. You find yourself browsing and swiping and playing on. The possibilities pile up. I'm ashamed to say it but I sometimes went on three or four dates a week.
It could be to a bar around the corner, or somewhere fabulous — Berner's Tavern, the Chiltern Firehouse. Most of the guys I met were looking for sex, rarely were they after a relationship. With Tinder, I discovered what it could be to have sex then walk away without a backward glance. Sex didn't have to be wrapped up with commitment, and "will he? It could just be fun. Sometimes I had nothing in common with the guy but there was a sexual spark. In "real life", he was the ultimate knob.
He didn't fit with my politics, my views, I'd never have introduced him to my friends. In bed, though, he was passionate, eager, energetic. For a while, we'd hook up every six weeks. But there were a lot of negatives.
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It could feel … seedy. Where do you go for sex?
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I didn't feel comfortable taking someone back to my place, as he'd then know where I lived, and I live alone. If we went back to his, I'd have no idea what to expect. With "Aldgate East", we had to walk through a pub to get to the bedroom and I swear there was a train going through the lounge. You're trusting people you barely know. After a few dates with "Manchester", I agreed to visit his hotel room next time he was in London.
I'd always been diligent about practising safe sex, but he had trouble getting in the mood with the condoms and went against my wishes at the last moment.
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The next morning I wrote him an angry text. I've never felt so violated. Most often, though, I didn't have sex at all. I generally left home open to the possibility but found, when my date showed up, that I didn't want to see him again, let alone see him naked. There was no spark, or he was dull or gross or just too pushy.
One date chased me to the tube trying to shove his tongue down my throat. Another — who started promisingly — changed after his second drink, spilling a glass of wine on me without apologising, and cutting me off each time I spoke. It can be harder to walk away when you've met through Tinder.
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When you're matched, you can spend days — in some cases, weeks, months — exchanging messages, texting and working yourselves up, filling in the gaps with your imagination. By the time you meet, you've both invested so much, you've raised your hopes and his.
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In some ways Tinder can even work against you finding a partner. I met one guy who was a likely contender for a boyfriend. We went on five dates without sex, just a kiss and a hug. Then one night, he arrived at my place stinking of booze and likely high on something. The sex was over in seconds — a massive anticlimax after such a build-up. We never saw each other again.
