More singles than ever looking for love
I sometimes spend weekends with my elder brother and sister and their children. A friend once said, 'you're content with the love you already have from your family. The main reason for delaying marriage is "competing life goals", she says, such as a prolonged period in formal education and career.
The median age for first-time grooms in Singapore rose from For brides, it rose from But there is another set of figures. In the Marriage and Parenthood Study , a survey commissioned by the National Population and Talent Division, 83 per cent of single respondents indicated that they wanted to get married. Older singles Life interviewed say the challenges they faced include ambivalent attitudes towards dating, dwindling social circles, a mismatch in expectations and a self-sufficient lifestyle.
Sometimes I would meet someone who I may not have had any connection with. I'd think, maybe another girl would be better.
He found that having a stream of romantic possibilities was not conducive to finding a committed relationship and stopped using it three years ago. By all accounts, dating culture should be burgeoning in Singapore with the growth of online dating and dating apps such as Tinder. Moreover, dating agencies in Singapore have also seen a rise in demand from older singles - as well as interest from divorcees and widows.
CompleteMe, a dating agency with a 3,strong database, set up a personalised matchmaking service for aboves last year that has since seen a 40 per cent rise in customers. Now, more divorced persons have come forward. In , when the company started, 20 per cent of its clients were divorced or widowed. Now, 40 per cent are divorced and 10 per cent are widowed. But attitudes are hard to change: There is still a lingering sense of embarrassment and conservativism about putting oneself out there, especially for older people in the dating pool here.
The problem seems to be worse online. Ms Yeo, for example, sees a marked contrast between men in Singapore and those from abroad. When American men sent her online messages via OkCupid, an international dating website, she could find and identify them on Facebook and LinkedIn.
Dating in Singapore was far less transparent. Some said on their profiles that they were married but were looking for 'friends'," she says. There are also those who find online dating exhausting, meeting person after person on first date after first date. Take bachelor Benjamin Koh, 36, a consultant in learning and development at a corporate training firm, who three years ago gave up on the Lovestruck app he used to meet people. I'd think, maybe another girl would be better," he says, which would spur him to get on the dating treadmill again. Having given up on dating apps, he says he still wants to find a wife who shares his Christian faith.
Now he is looking among his church circles. Another common reason that older singletons give about their lack of prospects is their shrinking social circles.
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As they get older, more of their friends get hitched and start families. The friends have less time to hang out and have fewer new friends to recommend as possible matches. At social events organised by a dating agency, Mr Wong Ying Yuan found himself sitting across women in their 20s. Problem was, he felt like he was talking to his niece, who is Kang, 40, who has never had a relationship, puts it this way: We tend to get 'more single'.
There have always been more women than men in her life. She was from a girls' school and mostly socialised with the same group of friends through secondary school, junior college and university. In her business administration course at the National University of Singapore and at her places of work, women also outnumbered men. Two years ago, she attended events organised by dating agencies, but found it "draining and depressing" when she did not find a suitable match. Life found that men's concerns tend to revolve around appearances and child-bearing abilities of their partners, while women's preoccupations centre on financial stability in their potential husbands.
Private investor James Foo, 44, who has gone on dates via a dating agency, admits that he is "quite picky in terms of looks". Those he dated tried to suss out, for instance, whether he owned a car by asking if he knew where to park at certain locations. On the other side of the fence, Ms Eunice H, 43, who lost her husband in a traffic accident three years ago, recently felt ready to look for a new partner on dating websites and agencies. In a first phone conversation, a man rejected her because he said he needed a woman young enough to bear him children.
And sometimes, singletons are too independent and comfortable with their lifestyle to make the effort to find a partner. Ms Wee Le Fong, 40, a former air stewardess of 11 years, wonders if she has led the lifestyle of a cabin crew member for too long, and is too used to doing things on her own. She is now an administrative associate at a bank. She does not go clubbing and seldom takes the initiative to meet people, prefering to leave such things to chance. I sometimes spend weekends with my elder brother and sister and their children," she says.
For older people who have had past relationships, there might be another factor that complicates dating: Mr Victor Chua, 50, who runs his own tour operations business, lost his wife seven years ago when she was knocked down by a lorry, leaving behind their son, who was just one then.
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These days, Mr Chua, who mostly finds dates through work, says anyone he has a relationship with has to understand that "my time will not be spent entirely with her. I find I'm more attracted to divorced women who can handle my kid because they have kids too". We might go on those dates for a simple dinner at a cafe, no pubs or discotheques," he says. At the age of 48, fresh out of a year marriage, and with a son who has autism, Mr Wong Ying Yuan decided to try online dating. Putting his profile picture on an online dating site, he said, was like trying to sell "a second-hand golf set".
At social events organised by a dating agency, he found himself sitting across women in their 20s. The adjunct lecturer at Singapore Polytechnic, now 50, has not given up on the search for a life partner. The move was based on more than a hunch, of course.
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A survey of Singapore's adults showed that half the respondents felt the best way to meet a partner was through friends. Each seminar will be conducted by a certified family counselor or social worker who will discuss "principles of privacy and confidentiality, relationship knowledge, facilitation and even event organization. It may look like Match. It's your local ministry and taxpayer dollars at work. According to the LoveByte "About Us" page, the site is meant to work in conjunction with private dating sites.
Will the public-private model work to enhance romance and "inculcate" a new attitude among wealthy young adults? Can the government use "strategic thrusts" as more than a good pun? Marina Adshade , an economics professor in Halifax, Canada, is not optimistic.
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Adshade, who teaches a course called "Economics of Sex and Love" at Dalhousie University, says of the Singapore plan, " It must be comforting to know that state cares that you are alone.